you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
