Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
