she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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