Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
