He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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