when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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