This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
