I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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