If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's shark week go big or go home
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
