So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
