My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
