He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
