Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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