dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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