You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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