i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
