Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
