i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
