He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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