Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
