The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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