Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
