The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
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I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You pole danced in your parka.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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