God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
