in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
