It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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