he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
