my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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