ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
