If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
