NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
