Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
