I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
