My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
