Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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