Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
