I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
