College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
