Can i not drive my cunt home
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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