My hair reeks of homosexuality.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
