We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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