I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
