I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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