At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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