I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I smell like Dick and happiness
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
