I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
