He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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