I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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