i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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