I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
