he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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