Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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