I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
