woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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