Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
