I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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