conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
