apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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