ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
