If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
