Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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