I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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