good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
